CONFESSION

 

I want to stand in stage. I want to act. I want to feel something so badly it almost left me breathless. Is this love? I can't say. Is this obsession? Probably.

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Maybe I'm being too emotional right now, but seeing Tatsunari's face in this video feels too familiar. I've been there before.

That strong feeling, wanting to stand in stage, but creeping behind is a sense of everything will come to an end eventually. That I might never stand on the same stage again. It's more than sad or broken. I'm afraid of turning "empty". I'm desperately holding to what I was, what I am, and what I might. A feeling when something I hold so dearly will soon out of my reach. Something I can't describe with mere words.

I've experienced this kind of feeling twice:

First,

I'm forced to quit when I don't want to quit. I try to understand, try to accept, but it still left me broken until now. It's like a piece of me had been taken away and nothing can replace it. I've become a salty person who curse anyone from that time who can easily say "I'm an actor" or "I love acting!" And to be able to function properly, ironically, I have to become "void" of feeling. How it feels like? Like a living hell.

Second,

is the last day of a hardest performance in my life--the practice, the people, everything left a strong impression on me and this might be the most unforgettable stage in my life. I thought I will be fine, but somehow, my tears won't stop when it all over for real. It is the one which brought me back to life.

The scar from the first one still fresh and aching, and then combined with the second one, it creates an eternal war inside me. Cynical, yet hopeful. Greedy, yet distant.

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Wow.

Amazing how a single video made me write all those things I've been keeping for such a long time, for the first time. 😂